Sister, is being slow to anger the same thing as swallowing our anger?
You know it’s not! The first is an aspect of God and a godly person (Exodus 34:6-7). The other is a kind of self-deception and not healthy--bringing pain and disease in our bodies, our minds, our relationships, and our souls.
This idea of women and their anger has been front and center this year. On the left and the right I hear things like, "Why didn’t we trust angry women?" (Pyschology Today) and "Most women are angry-And that’s all right" (Beware very strong language ahead! Teen Vogue). I certainly disagree with much in these and other articles, yet they have noticed a real phenomenon. Women struggle to accept, express, and control their anger.
As women we often only see two options. We can either swallow our anger or we can explode with it. Think of it as doormat versus dynamite. Christian women especially think of bottling up our anger as the godly option. We use euphemisms like frustrated, cranky, grumpy, disappointed and irritated. We tell our mates (and ourselves) that we are "fine." We feel all holy--when in fact we are holding secret grudges and refusing to forgive.
How do we accept our anger and yet not explode? How do we deal with conflict truthfully and yet without bitterness and venom? Let's look at six ways:
1. Tell the truth to yourself and to others. If in fact you are not fine, if you are angry, say so. Be honest about your feelings. That is NOT the same as exploding or losing control. Instead I am suggesting that the next time your husband says, "Hey is something bothering you?" You say, "Yes. When XYZ happened today, I felt really angry." Check out Ephesians 4:25-32, James 1:19-26 and Colossians 3:8-10 which pull the ideas of truth and anger together.
2. Check your heart for sin. The same passages that call on us to tell the truth, also emphasize how important is for us to put away our sin. Jealousy rises up in us to become anger and paranoia. Envy poisons our spirit and brings bitterness and anger at others good news. Fear displays itself as rage. When pride is challenged it is as fierce as a grizzly.
3. Slow down and listen. James puts it this way: "But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God (James 1:19-20.)" Misunderstanding fueled the fire of many an argument. Ask questions like "Why?", "What happened", and "How do you feel about…?" and then actually wait for and listen to the answers.
4. Follow Jesus’ model for conflict. Reread Matthew 18:15-18 and Matthew 5:22-24 and consider when you angry if you need to privately confront the person who sinned or go and confess your fault to someone else! (I have written about Jesus' model before. Jesus Our Referee, Sin in the Congregation, and The Source of Conflict.)
5. Use a gentle answer. I often tell my girls that "someone else’s bad behavior is never an excuse for yours." It’s the story of our anger. We can, should, must tell the truth about how we feel. And yet that is not an excuse for us to scream, to slander, to allow bitter, venemous, or hateful words to poison our relationships. We have to speak gently in even the most trying circumstance.
6. Forgive quickly. One of the keys to being angry and not sinning is to let our anger pass into forgiveness. Paul says, "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold" (Ephesians 4:26-27). He didn’t intend for us to stay up all night fighting. Rather 24 hours is more than enough time for our anger. Leave yesterday's anger to yesterday. Deal with your conflicts quickly before the devil gets a hold of you!
For me this whole topic came up because of my ladies Bible class. We are studying through the topics in the book I am currently writing about God’s character. He is "slow to anger" and we have to find ways to be too. I prepared some questions to help them get ready to study this and I’d love to share those questions with you. Click here to download them and here to get regular updates so you don’t miss anything!
Yes, especially to slowing down. I can often trace my anger to time pressure, or at least to the idea that I have to hurry up and something or someone is an obstacle. These are good thoughts Helene for confronting an emotion that can easily result in sin.
ReplyDeleteI find being pushed,pressed and pulled in 10 directions lead to reasonable anger in me too!
DeleteGreat tips, Helene! I know I have some of these issues dealing with anger and need to work on that. I think nearly 99 percent of the time our anger is sinful and unrighteous, so we especially need to deal with the problem of having the emotion we shouldn't in the first place. Thanks for addressing this issue!
ReplyDeleteI would probably ratchet my estimate down to 85% percent but know what you mean! So much of our anger is about our own pride, envy, fear, and hatred. Occasionally we get those twinges of righteous anger. One of the things I didn't cover in this post is Jesus' example of standing up for those who can not stand on their own!
ReplyDeleteLots of wise advice here. Anger is an emotion we will all experience and it's so important to learn to deal with it in a godly way. Thanks for sharing. Have a blessed week!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. I especially found it interesting (and true) that rage often stems from fear and that anger is often fueled by other things. I often struggle with this area in my life and the reminder to prayerfully dig deeper is helpful. Thanks again
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